Two decades ago at this time I was dealing with postpartum issues. It was a very scary time for me because I could not understand why my body and mind were failing me. When I look back now, I can immediately see the signs, but in those moments, I could not see the big breakdown coming.
It started very slow, I can remember bringing my son home for the hospital and being happy, but not quite feeling like myself. I chalked it up to being a new mom. However, as weeks passed I began having anxiety attacks and odd sensations in my body. I called my doctor and I was told that I had post-partum. They gave me pills and sent me on my way. Unfortunately, the pills ramped up my anxiety and I was then put on a new prescription, and when this one failed, I was put on a third, alongside with another pill to stop any side-effects from the first.
I was a shell of myself. I had no idea how strong and powerful the combo of the two prescriptions were and I was literally walking around my home with my newborn son like a zombie. There were still panic attacks, and insomnia, odd body sensations and now added to the list were weird thoughts. The pills did nothing to subside these symptoms, but instead made me feel numb and unconcerned about what was happening. I had what doctors called a nervous breakdown during this time. However, to me a nervous breakdown was exactly what was needed. It is literally just an overload of nerves in flight and fight mode and my body needed to shutdown to preserve itself.
I went to talk therapy and found some solace in being able to unearth years of pent of anger, grief and sadness. This helped, but it was not until I was pregnant with my daughter that I went off all prescriptions and found I felt better than I ever had. This was my first clue that my hormones were off and needed to be balanced. With being pregnant I was in heaven, felt great and full of energy. I thought all the anxiety was behind me, but not fully understanding the role diet played in health yet, I ate milkshakes and fast food while pregnant. I still felt great, but once I had her, I found myself devastated with postpartum, again.
Being the fighter that I am I vowed to understand why this was happening. The internet was new with limited information, so I reluctantly went back on prescriptions and again felt the dullness of life side effects. I weaned myself off of them and muddled though the days loving my two children but feeling like something was so wrong inside of me. I went to countless doctors and never could they find anything for certain. There were diagnoses of thyroid issues, borderline diabetes, anxiety and chronic fatigue, but this just did not feel right to me. It seemed like it was something much deeper.
After my third child, I again had postpartum issues, but this time it was different. I was beginning to experience irrational fears and chemical and food sensitivities. I was diagnosed with something called multiple chemical sensitivity which basically meant toxins were built up in my system to a point that any filtering that my body used to do was not happening. Because of this, I could not be around anything that had toxins. I should have just written I could not be around anything. Period. I would react to everything in the world. I basically was a prisoner in my room and could only eat five (sometimes six) foods without reaction. I thought I was dying, (However, now I understand my body was trying to reset itself.)
Again, being a stubborn person, I knew if there was a way into this madness, there was a way out. I began working with energy healers and cleaned up my diet. I began to only use natural products in my home, on my body and most importantly with my children. My kids were brought up on a fully organic diet without any toxins in our home. My son who had mysterious health issues as an infant, was now healthier than ever and began to thrive. All my kids were not given medicine unless absolutely necessary. Exercise, meditation and a healthy dose of sunshine every day were imperative to getting healthy too.
The anxiety and the sensitivities began to fade. However, there was still a missing piece. That is when I learned about the power of love. Loving yourself and your life, no matter what, was the final piece of the puzzle. I began to understand I could feel bad for myself, but this would just lead me down the dark hole that would give me symptoms. But, if I counted my blessings and was grateful and loved what was in front of me, my energy seemed to change and vibrate with the good feelings. It was a no brainer, I felt so good when I aligned with love. So that is what I did, and what I still do to this day. I love. I love my today, I love my yesterday and I love everything in-between.
I love. Period. It is why I write. If I can help just one person understand that love is the answer to their issues, no matter what those may be, I have done what I am meant to do.