My sweet boy. I write this with tears in my eyes as they stream down my face, stinging my cheeks. Ironic, as the sting of you leaving swells within my very being. I have been pretending these last few months, denying to my fragile mother's brain that you are going off to college. In fact, when your father begins to choke up about it, I have laughed at him and told him to stop, that this is exactly what we have been raising you for....
...but today, today it finally hit, and when it did I could not turn it off. I tried Sean, I tried so hard, but I could not stop the emotions from taking over and engulfing my sense of balance. It was the oddest moment too. Innocently enough I was trying to plan a last minute weekend for the family to go to LBI this summer and it was then, while plugging in dates, that it dawned on me. There are a limited number of weekends that you have at home. Demanding the computer to take my dates, I tried to force time, but my attempts to make it condense into what I needed was fruitless. I started to tear up, and then rather quickly it turned to hysteria. It was in this moment that I clearly saw that I was not your rock, but you mine. As my first child, you single-handedly turned my life upside down, giving it love I have never known and purpose beyond myself.
As I taught you, you taught me, and together we figured this mother/child tango thing out together. I cannot imagine how I just let go, but I know just like previous lessons, we will do it together and do it beautifully. Thank you Sean for all you have given me. I am so blessed to have you as my son. And although I know you were never truly mine to hold forever, you are a piece of me that will be hard to let go. I promise I will be calm in your dorm room as I turn to walk away, This is your big moment, your time to move forward, your time to shine. To take everything you have accumulated over 18 years from family, friends and mentors and launch that into the very essence of who you choose to be. If I seem a bit distant or clingy, quiet and aggravated, just know I am figuring this out. I am so happy it is you that I am figuring this out with. I love you.
I will leave you with this advice, which by the way is the same three things I have been telling you since you were a baby. Almost every morning when I dropped you off to grade school you heard this from my mouth: (based on Ms Frizzle's famous one line shout out)
Take Chances. Sometimes the smallest steps in the right direction become the biggest steps for your life. Trust your feelings and take the leap.
Make Mistakes. No one is perfect, don't pretend to be. We learn from our mistakes, experience is our greatest teacher.
Get messy. Life is not neat and orderly. Know this, and live within the understanding that you were put on this earth to create. Create kindness, create love and create connection. First within, and then to others. It will not be a straight neat line, but a messy static journey. Enjoy the ride!
I hope you understand just because you are off to college soon, I still see you as my little boy. When I text you across the many miles, I hope you respond that you are taking chances, making mistakes and getting messy.
Love you,
Mom